Things Not To Do On The Tube

For your education, a list of things to do on the tube, so as not to get arrested as a suspected terrorist:

  • Make sure to stare at the police officers wherever you see them, cracking a joke about stopping petty theft might be good to break the ice, wouldn’t want them to think you were ‘avoiding them’.
  • Try to enter the station and go through the gates alone, when the station is empty. This may be difficult at Oxford St. in rush hour
  • Don’t wear a jacket, no matter how cold it is outside it’ll always be warm on the tube. Plus, you won’t feel the benefit.
  • Carry no bags, laptops are so last season and really people only want to meet you, not your possessions.
  • If you must take a bag then pretend to forget it a few times. Try throwing it about the place or leaving it alone on a platform, because petty theft never occurs on the tube.
  • Keep your eyes to yourself and engage nobody. Reading a book might be good but make it something inoffensive.
  • No mobile phones, it’s not as if you can use them underground anyway. Also, things that start in your bag or pockets should stay there throughout. If you really wanted to see it you’d have planned ahead.

That should prevent any accidental arrests or confiscations occuring from among my readers, I can sleep easy.